If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
