whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
