the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
