I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
