My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
