OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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