On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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