The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize