my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
