I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
