I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
