Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
