someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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