I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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