Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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