Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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