Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
