My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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