why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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