You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
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Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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