Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
