Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
