When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
