you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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