Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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