if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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