Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
