Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
