you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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