Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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