No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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