There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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