Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You are the jesus of drinking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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