Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
