worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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