i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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