And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
