I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
