You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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