Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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