He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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