And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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