I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize