I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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