They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
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do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
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I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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