so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
