if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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