I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
