I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
