OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
