Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
