she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
