I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
