hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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