I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
